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I guess there are seven stages of grief. It appears as though I’m lurking around stage one– disbelief, shock, denial.
Seems accurate.
I’m slowly trickling through disbelief– I can feel it. I can feel my body resisting it. I can feel my body shuddering through fear– my abdomen is stiff, my hands are shaky, my eyes are swelling. I am physically aching for some balance between this hollowness and heaviness.
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Dad, it’s been eight days since you’ve spread your wings and flown above the earth. These eight days have felt like a blur— I feel like I’m waiting for you to come home, for you to walk through the door any minute now from a long vacation… It feels like I’m just waiting. Except one day I’m going to realize you won’t be coming home soon, and it’s going to be a very devastating moment.
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“Remember that hearing continues.”
I read it in the book. We were given a “hospice book,” as I’ve been calling it, that I’ve read repetitively. So when the nurse came over last Friday and sat me down to tell me they’re increasing my Dad’s medication, so he’ll become less responsive, I said, “okay, thank you.” When she asked if I had any questions, I said, “no, I don't think so. I’ve read the book.”
Read moreI’m trying really hard to not be bitter but I’m only human. With the upcoming holidays literally harassing me every place outside of my bedroom, I’m filled with equal amounts of excitement and anxiety.
This is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year but what if it is god awful? I’m starting to feel like I’m walking a tightrope except if you know me, I have no balance whatsoever and trying to figure out how to carry this weight is increasingly difficult.
Every year, the second weekend of December, both sides of my family get together to pick out our Christmas trees. All twenty-two or so of us meet for breakfast at 8 am. We’d take up about half the diner and have two waitresses. Since my family is full of December birthdays, it’d usually fall on my Dad’s, my brother’s, my cousin’s, or my own, and we’d celebrate that with a candle-topped blueberry muffin.
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© 2024, alicia napierkowski